Chew the Gum

Anne Lamott tells the story of having her tonsils taken out as an adult.  After two weeks her prescription for painkillers ran out.  She called the doctor’s office to get a new prescription.  The nurse said No and told her to find some gum and chew it vigorously, which is the last thing that Lamott wanted to do with a painful throat.  The nurse explained that when we have a wound in our body, the nearby muscles cramp around it to protect it from any more violation, and that Lamott would have to use those muscles if she wanted them to relax.  She got the gum and she said that the first chews felt like she was ripping things in the back of her throat, but in a few minutes all of the pain was permanently gone.

For some people the death of a loved one is so traumatic that they never want to deal with the grief.  This freezes the one who died in a perpetual state of unresolved dying, and prevents survivors from taking the risk of loving someone else as deeply again.  They think this protects them from ever feeling the pain of grief, and it partially does, but it also drags shadows over every good thing that happens.  If we take no risks, we will experience no wonder.

Reality check.  If we love someone deeply, the benefits of this love outweigh the grief that we will feel when she or he dies. 

Reality check.  Life involves death; that’s part of the package.  It doesn’t matter if you like this or not.  The people we love are going to die, some by accidents, some by health problems, some by old age.

After the shock of a death wears off, we need to take our grief and chew it.  We have to exercise our muscles for life again.  The death is never going to go away, and we won’t ever forget the one we loved, but we need to eat, and dance, and love because life is about celebrating and loving others as much, and as deeply, as we can.

Also, the one who died would want us to be happy again.  Unless, of course, they are one of the demented few who want us to keep them on a pedestal and pay homage for all time.  In this case, now would be a good time to step away from this.