Chew the Gum

 

It’s the pain, don’t cha know

Anne Lamott tells the story of having her tonsils taken out as an adult. After two weeks, her prescription for painkillers ran out. She called the doctor’s office to get a new prescription, and the nurse said No. The nurse told her to chew gum vigorously, which is the last thing that Lamott wanted to do with a painful throat. 

The nurse explained that when we have a wound in our body, the nearby muscles cramp around it to protect it from more damage, and that Lamott would have to use those muscles if she wanted them to relax.  

Lamott got the gum and said that the first chews felt like she was ripping things out in the back of her throat, but in a few minutes all of the pain was gone.

For some people, the death of a loved one from cancer is so traumatic that they never want to go through that again. They put a protective barrier around themselves to prevent new pain, but this barrier also keeps them from sharing with others and prevents others from helping them.

The reality is that if we love someone deeply, we will grieve them deeply when they die. Eventually we will come to feel that the benefits of loving someone outweigh the grief.

Two of my friends met in college when he had near-fatal Hodgkin’s cancer that damaged his immune system. She couldn’t deal with it then and wouldn’t date him, but years later they reconnected and this time she said Yes and married him, knowing that they would likely have only years together instead of decades. His death did tear her apart, but she is grateful she had the courage to take the risk because the time they had together was amazing. She wishes now that she had found that courage sooner.

The reality is that life involves death. We know this is part of the package, although we expect that everyone we know will live into old age. People we love are going to die, some by accidents, some by health matters like cancer, some by old age. And we will grieve the loss of these relationships.

We do not forget the shock of the deaths of those we love, but we need to chew grief’s gum, not put bubble wrap around our pain. We need to continue to dance and laugh and sing, even if we don’t feel like it, until, one day, we do.

Life is about loving others as much, and for as long, as we can. That’s all it is.

©2026 Mark Liebenow